Yesterday was strange. I spent all day in front of the television watching soccer. This was my soccer day, the first day of the MLS season, and I'd planned it. All day, soccer. I deserved it. You know? I didn't like it. Being in front of the television all day made me feel like a zombie. When I'm watching television, or playing video games, or on the computer surfing the internet, I'm not exactly living life.
That got me thinking about myself as a kid. After Mom died I Plugged In. I plugged into my computer, I plugged into my television, I plugged into my video games. I Plugged In and the rest of the world dripped away and I put my reality inside a box. Who I was shifted from a place in my heart to a place on my screen, on the Internet, in the stories of video game characters . . . it was a coping mechanism, and I did what I had to do. Still, it made me sad to realize I had lived so much of my life like that. It's scary how quickly and thoroughly I removed myself from life, and how long my spirit lived inside those buzzing wires and electronic switches.
I watched some performances from Def Jam Poetry yesterday. I hadn't watched any in a while, and it got me excited to write and perform again. I was watching those, and I was thinking about the shows I've seen on campus, and I thought to myself, I can do that. I can do that, and I can do it well, and I'm not a poet but I can perform, and I'm not a poet but I can write. I'm going to give it a shot.
Life? Lately... from Heidi and my breakup until a week or so ago I had been struggling with intense longing. Not for Heidi... for friendships, and for one in particular, one I wanted very badly. And it just wasn't happening. You know? Not all people have to be Best Friends. That's the way life works. Still, I wanted it, I wanted it so much I thought about it all the time, and now it sounds more like Love than friendship, but I think I'll split the two and call it Infatuation—which it was. I was infatuated. Puppy love.
It's exciting to be infatuated. Touch and taste and sound and emotion got amplified twice over and I felt very alive. Also, my brain was invaded every second by daydreams—playing out scenarios, thinking about things I would say, things I would do, how I would win love. This is what I like to call Useless Thinking.
I had this great idea. I was sitting on the fourth floor stairwell in Meyer Library. It's a big, carpeted stairwell, and at the time every floor was closed except the first. If the first floor door were locked, I would be trapped in the stairwell. This got me thinking, and I hatched a Clever Plan.
Say I get trapped in the stairwell. Say I'm locked in until morning. Say I call this person and she comes. Behind the door, so close to me, separated by a simple slab of milled tree, she sits. And there we stay awake and we talk, and we pass notes under the locked doors, and we press our backs against each others through the wood, and we tell each other secrets, and why not? What would you say if you were trapped for twelve hours with nothing to do but keep each other company? I think special circumstances like that can change two people's relationship in profound ways. Ever been on a misadventure with someone? Ever gotten lost? Ever had to fight and claw with another person? You can't help but get close—it's in our biology, swirling remnants of our time as hunter gatherers, protecting each other from Wild Things. You're on an airplane about to crash—what do you say to your friend sitting next to you? That you love them? That all this time you've loved them in secret? And as far as telling them goes it took the prospect of death to get the guts. In the stairwell with our backs against the wood with our backs against each other's I would stay awake. And after a while I would whisper, "Are you asleep?" and she would say no, and I would tell her I love her. And then the next morning when the doors are unlocked it would be seeing her for the first time.
Yeah, it's a Clever Plan, and Clever Plans never work. Yeah, these are Silly Notions. Yeah, they're just fun tricks of the brain and don't mean anything. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So? It's good to think about these things. Think about this: if this were your last day on Earth, what would you say to a person? What would you say if you didn't have the luxury of time? And why not say that thing now? And why not show your hand? And why not play your love on the table?
Anne Lamott talked about this in her excellent book on writing, Bird by Bird. She said to spend it all. Shoot it now. Give everything, right now—don't hold back. If you think of a great line and have the urge to save it for later, that's a sure sign that you should use it now. She says, you will always think of more good lines. She says, a good line is only good if you use it now.
It's true. And it's also true with people. You see someone at a party you've wanted to meet for a while. You go back in forth in your mind. Should I, shouldn't I, what will happen, what will they think of me. It's the Wishy Washy Brain. That indecision—I take it now as a sign. Just like in writing. It's a sign that now is the time to do this. If I'm apprehensive—perfect! Now you know without a shadow of a doubt that if you do it now you're doing it right. If I ever have the thought, "this can wait until later," that's a sure sign that no, it cannot.
How do you get to know someone deeply? It's been so long since I've tried. I feel rusty, out of practice. Do I still know how to make a person feel safe? Do I still know how to imbue trust in a person?
Open up, open up—and when you're very open, open yourself more still. And be kind. And be gentle. And respect the Nature of Things.
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