Intimacy

Around corners, everyone is fucking. There is sucking in the room above my head, and in the bathroom stall quiet kisses leak away. I think there is an worldwide radio station—90.1 FUCKFM, say—where everyone learns about places for, and who is interested in, fucking. Except I am tuned into 99.9 LAMEFM. I am Cold Showers in the Morning with DJ Lucas. I am your humble radio host.

My dear friend and I share with each other our sexual exploits. Last night I was talking to her on the phone and she was sharing with me a story that happened a few nights ago, where she straightforwardly asked a very attractive guitarist if he wanted to go home with her. And they did.

And I’m back on LAMEFM and I wonder, How am I not a part of this? And how am I missing out? What does everyone in the world know that I don’t?

Even now my brain turns, working through my life and wondering about myself. Count them: I have had sex with six women in a span of five years—about one sexual partner per year. Okay. My friend is going on eight per year—and damn. And I think about this.

It’s not the number I have a problem with—because it’s not a conquest. I am not interested in conquest. If you ever find yourself at an impasse and the solution you come up with is, Sleep with more people, then the question is wrong, or the answer is wrong, or both—but nothing is ever solved by sleeping with more people.

No, I’m interested in intimacy. I’m interested in real connection. I’m interested in being with a woman and being acutely and fully aware of what is happening in that moment, right then—intense and sensual and good. 

My friend goes to a small liberal arts college, where people sprout up through the grass and say hi to each other. I go to Stanford, where life is bleached down. Where’s the funk? And where are the outlaws? And where are the tattooed women and the writers and the artists and the people with space in their mind for looking up at the night sky and wondering—Does the moon look bigger here? And how close is the sky? 

Nope, not here. At least—these people are rare and take time to find, just as rare things do. Here’s how it happens—in Austin you meet a woman with her dog at the park and strike up a conversation because you both like Rottweilers. That woman mentions an art show she’s going to that night and invites you. You go, have a wonderful night of paintings and sculpture and wine, then tag along to a party she’s going to. At the party you meet ten new people who are your people. Doesn’t matter what happens the rest of the night—you could go home and pass out no problem. Thing is, you’ve got a dozen new friends and a wonderful night in your back pocket and wasn’t that easy? And wasn’t that nice?

In Austin, this happens. In Portland, too, and New Orleans and New York City—all the places I’ve spent time in have that sizzle of possibility hovering around my ears at all times. The buzz of spontaneity wraps around every moment like a cat around ankles.

Here at Stanford, it’s grey. There’s no buzz. Most people here are on their track and have no interest in looking up to check for full moons, or running their hands through the wheat grass outside Arrillaga Dining, or whistling back at the birds (am I the only one who does this?). And God, it’s stifling. And God, it’s enough to make a man doubt himself.

See, in Austin or Portland or wherever—you know, places where the whole mainstream, sterile thing is the minority and not the majority—there are women who are attracted to me. Physically, sure, but intellectually and emotionally attracted, too. Here—are you kidding? My kind doesn’t fly here. No one’s interested in bald men. No one’s interested in a man with an earring, who writes fiction, who likes watching good movies and also shitty movies, who likes reading books before bed because he likes reading books and not because he has assigned reading. No one’s interested in a man who’d rather paint houses and write novels than write code for a startup company. And that’s it. And that’s the truth. And really—that’s it.

The problem—it’s spring quarter of senior year. Time to check out. Time for the next big ride. Because I have started discovering some good, honest, fun, artistic people lately. They do exist. They’re just so rare, so hard to find, it’s taken me four years to do it, and now I’m so tired and so ready to go that I think—What’s the use? And it’s a shame. Because I really have met some great people the last couple weeks. But we all feel it—our lives are about to twist away from each other and we’ll probably never meet again. And it fills me with sadness, and it fills me with regret, and why the hell hadn’t I found these people earlier?

The nice realization is that there hasn’t been some terrible flaw in my character that was keeping me from making connections with people. Not that I ever believed that—it’s just, after four years of searching for friendships and connections in the wrong places and having no luck, I started to wonder about myself. But no more.

And this isn’t about sex, either. When my friend told me about her sexual exploits the other night I felt weird. I thought I was jealous because I wasn’t going out to parties and hooking up with women and enjoying being single. And I thought I felt bad about myself because I was completely behind on the numbers game. But it's neither of those things. Now don’t get me wrong—I want sex. But more than that, I want intimacy. And I also don’t want a committed relationship. And that’s what wavelength I’m on. And I know there are a lot of women on that same wavelength—just most of them don’t go to Stanford.

Intimacy is the thing. Slick backs. A fistful of sheets. Reaching out and grabbing a hand, an anchor. Out of breath because it means something and you’re in it. That’s what I want. And more than that—connection. Friendships that mean something, people that mean something. People tuned to my radio station. You’re out there, and I’m coming for you, and it will be like a happy reunion with a person you could swear you’ve always known.